Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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