I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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