My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
