you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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