jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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