I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
