I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
