I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
