shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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