remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
