The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
