If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
