We need to rekindle our bromance
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
