I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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