also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
