6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
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she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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