the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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