I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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