miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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