she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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