So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
