She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
