My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
