When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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