she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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