those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
