i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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