I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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