Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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