some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
