i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
