dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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