I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
