im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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