Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
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I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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