I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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