Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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