So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
