This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
