I wish I could teleport
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
only you would photoshop your dick
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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