On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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