Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
