Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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