I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
