I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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