At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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