apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
