Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
