you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
