Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
