I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
