WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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