when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
