hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
