she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
