These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
