my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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