On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
