Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
