dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
