hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
