I should be sponsored by Trojan
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I did not marry a roomba.
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